First Date Disasters: Once More
So I went on the first date with this girl last weekend on Sunday night, and we grabbed some drinks in DC, then walked and chilled out at Dupont Circle, which is a circle about the size of two basketball courts, with benches around it and a fountain in the middle. We sat on one of the benches, talked for an hour or so, I held her in my arms while we talked, things were going well. We called it a night around 11:30PM and made plans of me seeing her again on Tuesday, and I will pick her up from work (she works 15 min away from my place).
I called her to confirm plans, and asked her to Email me her work address. She asked me where we were going, and my reply was "I don't know, we'll decide when I pick you up". To my surprise, she said "that's not good enough, call me when you have decided where we're going" and hang up on me.
Wow, that was rude. She later on called and left me a voicemail apologizing for it, and I was out so I didn't hear her calling me. To be honest, I don't know if I would've picked up anyway if I heard it.
The next day, she sent me an Email apologizing for it.
"Hey Paul,
I'm still feeling like a bitch here, so I thought I'd drop you a note and explain myself. First, I'll say I shouldn't have hung up on you. That was rude on my part, and there's no excuse for it. But I have to say when I asked you to tell me where you wanted to go by yesterday, I did so for several reasons. And when you said you didn't know or care where we were going... that we would just figure it out when you got here, it sounded a bit as if you're of the "whatever I, Paul, say goes" mindset. Personally, I'm not of that mindset; I don't take orders well. I also think it's much too soon to assume I'm willing to go to some unknown destination in your car with you.
So, again, I'm sorry for hanging up on you. But I was serious about having a day's notice of arrangements before I would go out again.
Joy"
I was in a bad mood at the time due to Google dropping some of my blog's pages into Supplemental Results (Yeah, some of the weirdest things annoy me) so I sent her a polite but not friendly Email back.
"When I said that, I meant "WE can decide when we meet up" as in we'll make that decision together. Just like you not taking orders well, I also don't. So "Get back to me when you decide on something" just isn't going to work, sorry. Remember we were talking about drama in life, and I'm definitely willing to sacrifice happiness to not have drama in life? Well, this is one of the cases.
I wish you the best with everything.
--Paul."
The message was pretty obvious, and she took it maturely. She sent me one last Email and that was the end of it.
"Cool. Best to you, too.
Joy"
Philosophical question here: Am I wrong to "cut people I don't believe should be my friends out of my life"? Or do I just have too high of standards on who I associate myself with? I don't think my standards are too high, just want people in my life that're consider to others and don't play games, and I will give them the same respect. Are all girls spoiled by guys who would do anything to be around them? If so, I blame the guys who get treated like dirt by girls because that "trains" the girls to believe they can treat me the same way and I'll put up with it.
I called her to confirm plans, and asked her to Email me her work address. She asked me where we were going, and my reply was "I don't know, we'll decide when I pick you up". To my surprise, she said "that's not good enough, call me when you have decided where we're going" and hang up on me.
Wow, that was rude. She later on called and left me a voicemail apologizing for it, and I was out so I didn't hear her calling me. To be honest, I don't know if I would've picked up anyway if I heard it.
The next day, she sent me an Email apologizing for it.
"Hey Paul,
I'm still feeling like a bitch here, so I thought I'd drop you a note and explain myself. First, I'll say I shouldn't have hung up on you. That was rude on my part, and there's no excuse for it. But I have to say when I asked you to tell me where you wanted to go by yesterday, I did so for several reasons. And when you said you didn't know or care where we were going... that we would just figure it out when you got here, it sounded a bit as if you're of the "whatever I, Paul, say goes" mindset. Personally, I'm not of that mindset; I don't take orders well. I also think it's much too soon to assume I'm willing to go to some unknown destination in your car with you.
So, again, I'm sorry for hanging up on you. But I was serious about having a day's notice of arrangements before I would go out again.
Joy"
I was in a bad mood at the time due to Google dropping some of my blog's pages into Supplemental Results (Yeah, some of the weirdest things annoy me) so I sent her a polite but not friendly Email back.
"When I said that, I meant "WE can decide when we meet up" as in we'll make that decision together. Just like you not taking orders well, I also don't. So "Get back to me when you decide on something" just isn't going to work, sorry. Remember we were talking about drama in life, and I'm definitely willing to sacrifice happiness to not have drama in life? Well, this is one of the cases.
I wish you the best with everything.
--Paul."
The message was pretty obvious, and she took it maturely. She sent me one last Email and that was the end of it.
"Cool. Best to you, too.
Joy"
Philosophical question here: Am I wrong to "cut people I don't believe should be my friends out of my life"? Or do I just have too high of standards on who I associate myself with? I don't think my standards are too high, just want people in my life that're consider to others and don't play games, and I will give them the same respect. Are all girls spoiled by guys who would do anything to be around them? If so, I blame the guys who get treated like dirt by girls because that "trains" the girls to believe they can treat me the same way and I'll put up with it.
posted by Paul Zhao | 8/21/2006
22 Comments:
that was an interesting way to handle teh situation.
I would have felt the same way if I was her and you said that to me about your 2nd date destination.
Girls want a plan and to know you've thought about it some, it shows that you care.
the real question is, was she hot?
Mediocre, Average.
yeah that was pretty bitchy on her part and you really don't need that in your life. she totally misconstrued your simple statement that a sane girl could understand without any drama. but oh well, she obviously wasn't worthy of you lol. i am a little jealous that you were holding her on that park bench... that should've been me lol oh, and as for girls being spoiled by guys like that, its kinda true but a modern single girl has to be open and understand things from a male perspective. she should've understood that and went with the flow. no worries. much more fish in the sea... happy fishing!
Thanks for the support, Ana. We all gotta weed through 2000 coals to find that gem, right?
you know... i never thought of it that way... that really does help a lot. thank you.
Oh sweet jeebus, if she's that prone to over-reaction and assuming-the-worst thinking on the simple and fun things, then run the hell away on all fronts (romantic, platonic, you name it).
She sounded very high maintenance with a side of baggage. All I can say is run away. If that is what you're getting from the potential 2nd date, you are much better off cutting off ties.
what a freak. you did the right thing.
i would have added. "i wish you the best... in finding a guy who takes your shit"
You easily did the right thing. Definitely a possible sign of things to come. ... Funny how crappy situations make for the most entertaining blog posts.
i don't know if i would have reacted the way she did, but i would have been slightly turned off by the "we'll decide where when i get there..." comment from you.
a woman wants to feel like her date is prepared and has thought of everything beforehand. especially on the first three dates. the "we'll decide what we get into when i get there..." comment should be reserved for much later in the relationship, when both parties know and truly enjoy each other's company.
i hate to say it but it sounds like she knows what she wants, and clearly, you do too.
I agree with your response, as she over-reacted. BUT, in her defense, and I speak from experience, women have a tendency to over-analyze things. Especially when they (and I don't know if this is the case for her) work with a group of women and talk about their personal lives. There's every possibility that she got swept up in some kind of work place conversation about dating that made her react that way. Needless to say, I wouldn't want to date someone that was that easily swayed, but, like I said, I'm fairly sane and I've been there.
WOW! She does sound a bit much and I agree with John that you should run. I actually liked your response email to her.
As for the "we'll decide when I pick you up" comment. Perhaps I am the only woman (at least in this comment thread) that would not be remotely offended by this. I would probably think up a place or two and when the guy picked me up, if he had no ideas, I 'd throw mine out there. Done.
Dude, you are so right to ditch that. She way overreacted. But on the flip side, I can understand how your response "we'll decide when we get there" could make an overthinking, crazy woman (they are all) think it meant you don't care or you don't want to tell her because your plans are to slip her a ruphy in a seedy bar.
Next time, have a place in mind for dinner and just make that your 'first date' place
WOW. She sounded like she had some issues. You had every right to be that way. I would have totally done the same. And you are 100% right about cutting people off that add unnecessary drama to your life. It is a shame because the whole "go with the flow" attitude that you have is actually very appealing to alot of girls!
John, Jane, Anonymous, Law-rah, Frying Nugget, thanks for the support, I just wanted to make sure I did the right thing, and I appreciate you guys agreeing with me.
Andrew, it wasn't the "first date" though, we had the "first date" already and things went pretty well.
NanaDC, I'd completely understand that the girl wants to feel "special" by the guy being prepared, but why is it that the guy has to do everything and "be prepared"? Why can't she think of a place, or we think of a place "together"? Whatever happened to equality and such? Do women only want to be "treated like a lady" when it's convenient?
DCvita, appreciate the compliment. Are you now super attracted to my "appealing quality" of easy-goingness? j/k. :)
100% wrong. You should thank Buddha that she even gave you the time of day without pepper spraying your ass. I find it absolutely astounding that ANY woman gives agrees to date you(mediocre or otherwise). You've got the social skills of Jeffrey Dalhmer.
That was polite. I guess net anonymity gives every loser out there the rights to randomly say anything they want without taking responsibility for it
i'll bet it was her.
Nah, I'd like to think "the best in people". Even though things didn't work out and we didn't "click" (I don't like girls who're rude or hang up on me), I'd like to think she's not that immature or petty to find my blog through my Email and leave nasty comments on it.
But to be fair, this really IS a one-sided story. If that comment really WAS left by you, Joy, and you think I'm leaving out some important details that I should've included, please DO feel free to include it.
Best of luck with everything,
--Paul.
I wouldn't lose any sleep over this chick. She seems a bit too high maintenance. The whole hang up incident is just wrong. Plenty of fish in the dating sea to waste time on this bottom feeder
Thanks TravelgirlDC, appreciate the support. :)
You totally did the right thing. She seems more interested in the date than in you.
Personally I would have banged her first, but hey, close enough.
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